I faked an abortion last night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
