everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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