i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
