I have demons in me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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