god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
