Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
