My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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