his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
