my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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