when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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