One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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