Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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