she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
