i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
