there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
