we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My ATM looks so different sober.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am one with the molecules
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
