So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
