My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
there's paper in my vomit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
