It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I cut my penus on the lid.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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