im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
