Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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