I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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