did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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