my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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