you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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