Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
