haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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