I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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