fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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