This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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