I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
