I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
