my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
accomplished twins. life is a go
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
