i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize