You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My feet surprised me
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