My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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