omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize