I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
