We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
