I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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