If that was your dad, he is hot
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
