Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
