My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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