A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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