i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
