i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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