I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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