You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
