stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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