So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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