A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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