i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
