I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
