my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have aggressive nipples.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
