"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There r osticjed everywhere
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize