Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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