I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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