We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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