I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
