lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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